Every Sunday, my whole family on my moms side comes over for dinner. Sunday also happens to be the day I go back to college, if I go home for the weekend and thats admitedly, every weekend so far this semester (#manja). Its a bittersweet affair for me really but its nice to be able to play with my baby cousins before I go back to boarding school.
But anyway, before I leave home I say goodbye to everyone and make a fuss about me going back to school and being all like 'Dont miss me too much' or 'Send me Ayden and Alexa videos' and the classic 'Im going back to jaiiiillllll wont you missssss meeeeeee you guys love me riiiight.'
But sometimes I say this :
'Okay guys, its time for me to go back home'
Then I get so mad at myself. What are you saying Mira, KY is not home. How can you betray yourself like this, you are home, you're just going back to prison. Cmon mirr you are not allowed to associate boarding school with the word home, do not tarnish that sacred term !!!!!!!! >:/
In all truth, I used to say this when I have to go back to TKC as well, it just slips out! (TKC is the high school I went to, which is a fully residential all girls government boarding school which translates to 5 years of regimented lifestyle). As much as it frustrates me, I don't want to call a place that puts so much distance between my loved ones and I as 'home' , I guess, it kind of is.
I spend most of my life at whatever institution I am enrolled into, a much bigger fraction of my time is allocated to me being in boarding school. I sleep in my school bed more than my bed in my house, I eat more meals at the KY's dining hall than in my dining room at home. I see these walls way more than I see the walls at home, I've assimilated, I've become so familiar with my surroundings here, I guess its weird to call it school. Plus, I make connections here, like, my own little KY family.
I've been shipped off to study in different states ever since I was 13, it almost feels weird to be at home for a long period of time. My house is more of like a retreat for me, and I almost cannot be productive at home anymore. So is it fair for me to say my house is my home?
Despite all this, I dont feel like I can comfortably call an educational institution my home.
Once, I tried to find a home in other people. This concept is romantic, but it led me to moulding myself to fit into a whole other persons ideals. I don't think I can do that any more.
I feel like I was raised a nomad, with halfway houses and constantly packing and unpacking my suitcase. The term home can no longer be a physical space for me, neither is it approval from somebody else. Home, I've found, is where I can be who I want to be. It is a place where I can choose to become whoever I want to become, and feel comfortable. Not judged or forced to defend my stances. Ultimately, I am realising that the only home Ill ever have, and need, is within my own self.
Im still building my home, and its proving to be a confusing and interesting personal journey. What with boarding school and my involvement in debate, open minded yet religious parents and all the acquaintances Ive made, Ive been exposed to both extreme conservative and extreme liberal schools of thought, and a lot of in betweens. And while I want to build my home individually, with my very own chosen values, I am so grateful to have a handful of people who are supporting me, and reassuring me they love me no matter what.
Speaking of boarding school, my sister Dina is spending her last few weeks of being a student in TKC, which means SPM is justttt around the corner. Shes doesnt sneak in a phone to school, cause shes not like her elder sister, but I think she'll read this. All the bestt Dins, find a way to call me! Also, Id appreciate it if you guys doakan her and all, if ikhlas that is ☺️
Alrighty, going to nap now, because thats a huge part of my personality lol. Planning to blog more often, but with Bangsawan and dancing for Diwali, Im not sure if I have much time yikes! Hopefully Ill make time, so ttyl :*
Love,
Mirr
Friday 30 October 2015
Wednesday 14 October 2015
Loving my body.
I stepped on my weighing scale and realised that I gained 3 kgs in two months. And I'm okay with that. Im okay with that Im okay with that Im okay with that.
Its taken so much for me to be able to be say that and mean it. I've been preaching self love and acceptance for a long time, but in all truth, I'm far from mastering the art.
Growing up, I always wanted to be thin. Not slim, not fit, I wanted to be stick thin, but I never really did anything drastic about it. Sure, I dieted here and there, but never hurt myself for it. My parents made sure I ate my meals and being in a government boarding school, your meals are scheduled and you eat when your friends eat. But last year, a lot of things happened and as a result, I got really sad. I was the type to skip meals when I was stress, but this time, it was different. In hindsight, I did it all because a lot of the time I felt very ugly. I wanted some sort of validation that I was beautiful. The person who I turned to for this validation turned out to be toxic for me, and I pushed out pretty much everyone else. I tried to seek validation from somewhere else, so I turned to my weighing scale, and as a result, changed the way I lived my life. I started with eating less, which turned into eating less frequently, which turned into not eating at all. I got obsessed with measuring my body and weighing myself, and told myself ' If you lose one more kg, you will be beautiful'. I timed how long I could go without food, and kept telling myself, ' You want to be strong right, you can go one more hour'. I got to a point where I wouldn't eat or drink anything for days and completely lost the ability to enjoy food.
I got what I wanted. I lost 10 kg in a span of a month, I got the thigh gap I wanted. Everyone was telling me how much thinner I looked, everyone noticed and a lot of people we're complimenting me for it.
But here's what I also got.
Since I didnt eat and I had very little energy, so I spent a lot of my time sleeping. When I couldn't sleep, I would go about life in zombie like trance. I didn't laugh with my friends much, didn't feel excited about anything. I just didn't have the energy to be happy. I also didn't have the energy to do anything. I got tired after walking for 15 minutes, my legs would feel like I had run a marathon, and because of that, I despised going out. I remember walking around with my family, and had to ask them to stop every 20 minutes so I could sit down on a bench to rest, because I would feel like passing out. I couldn't participate in anything without my body hurting. My back ached constantly cause I had nothing but bones to support it and my knees always felt like they were giving out. I sacrificed genuinely enjoying time with my loved ones to be skinny.
My body punished me for the lack of nutrition; my skin broke out so bad, my acne scars took longer to heal. My hair started to fall, and my once thick mane became wispy thin. And the thing is, you don't get healthy immediately after you start eating healthy again, and I'm still paying for my not respecting myself with bad skin and really bad hair fall. My stomach got so used to being empty, every time I tried to eat a proper meal, it would reject it and I would get really bad tummy aches. My friends tell me now that while I was going through all that, I didn't look beautiful and thin, I looked sad. Some people made it a point to make sure I knew that they thought I was not beautiful, and I got a lot of anonymous comments telling me that I look disgusting. I remember vividly a comment that went something along the lines of, ' You might be skinny now but you are still fucking ugly. You can't change that, you look so sick.' It got to my mind too. I entered a vicious cycle where being sad made me starve myself, and starving myself made me sad. Every time I ate, I would feel guilty. Every break down I would have, my mind would respond by saying it my own fault, and that I do not deserve my next meal.
But here's what I also got.
Since I didnt eat and I had very little energy, so I spent a lot of my time sleeping. When I couldn't sleep, I would go about life in zombie like trance. I didn't laugh with my friends much, didn't feel excited about anything. I just didn't have the energy to be happy. I also didn't have the energy to do anything. I got tired after walking for 15 minutes, my legs would feel like I had run a marathon, and because of that, I despised going out. I remember walking around with my family, and had to ask them to stop every 20 minutes so I could sit down on a bench to rest, because I would feel like passing out. I couldn't participate in anything without my body hurting. My back ached constantly cause I had nothing but bones to support it and my knees always felt like they were giving out. I sacrificed genuinely enjoying time with my loved ones to be skinny.
My body punished me for the lack of nutrition; my skin broke out so bad, my acne scars took longer to heal. My hair started to fall, and my once thick mane became wispy thin. And the thing is, you don't get healthy immediately after you start eating healthy again, and I'm still paying for my not respecting myself with bad skin and really bad hair fall. My stomach got so used to being empty, every time I tried to eat a proper meal, it would reject it and I would get really bad tummy aches. My friends tell me now that while I was going through all that, I didn't look beautiful and thin, I looked sad. Some people made it a point to make sure I knew that they thought I was not beautiful, and I got a lot of anonymous comments telling me that I look disgusting. I remember vividly a comment that went something along the lines of, ' You might be skinny now but you are still fucking ugly. You can't change that, you look so sick.' It got to my mind too. I entered a vicious cycle where being sad made me starve myself, and starving myself made me sad. Every time I ate, I would feel guilty. Every break down I would have, my mind would respond by saying it my own fault, and that I do not deserve my next meal.
Who doesn't deserve to eat?
I know I am not the only person out there who has been unhappy with their body, and I know I'm not the first or the last person to make unhealthy choices based on these internal conflicts. But if you are thinking about/ already are hurting yourself to achieve your body goals, hi, this is for you.
Please take my word for it, it is not worth it. Your body is a vessel that was made to protect you, and every single part of it has its functions, yes, even the lumpy bumpy bits that you don't like. Your organs have to go somewhere and darling, they need protecting. Your mother spent 9 months of her life, thats like giving up a whole year, to make that body. Someone invested that much time to make it what it is, you owe it to your mother to take the best possible care of yourself.
You should never feel like you have to lose weight (unless you are severely obese and it poses a risk on your life or something along that tangent). Do not let anyone, even yourself, feel like you need to be smaller than you already are or that you have to change your body. If anything, body types are all a hype anyway. One moment Kate Moss's stick thin body frame is in style, and the next, everyone wants Kim K's booty. Don't worry too much, your body wasn't made to be a hype. Your body was meant to take care of you, and be taken care of. Cherish it, respect it for what it truly is. Plus, who wants to be a trend anyway, you are the only person who can be you. Isn't that cool? So embrace whatever you are, no matter what shape or size you happen to be, literally none can work your body the way you do.
And even if you want to lose weight or tone up, there are healthy ways to do that. You can exercise and eat better. It'll make you feel great too (not that I know la I'm a lazy bum). So please please opt for these methods. It is not fun nor necessary for you to have to put your body through so much pain to look a certain way.
And if you are already in that vicious cycle, reach out to people who genuinely love you. Stay away from people who are insensitive and think its funny to use your insecurities as jokes. These people are toxic, and disrespectful. Instead, surround yourself with people who make you feel like the more weight you gain only means that they have more and more of you to love. Go see a therapist, it helps a ton. Spend one day eating somewhere with light but delicious portions and fall in love with eating again, its not easy but you can get there, trick is to not go head first and down a steak. Fall in love with salads and soups and light meals. If you know anyone who is struggling with things like these, be there for them and surround them with love and positivity. Remind them about qualities that you like, and try not to focus so much on their bodies. Be the person to take them out for a light, nice and delicious meal!
Eating disorders are something almost everyone doesn't understand. While its a fragile, heavy topic, it is one that must be addressed and will truly only get worse if left to be. I hope that with sharing this, its shed some light to the actual gravity the issue. While it is a problem, its ultimately one that is entirely possible to overcome.
At all times, remember you are not your body. You are a soul, you have a body. If you are to worry about anything, it should probably be how beautiful you are on the inside.
I know I am not the only person out there who has been unhappy with their body, and I know I'm not the first or the last person to make unhealthy choices based on these internal conflicts. But if you are thinking about/ already are hurting yourself to achieve your body goals, hi, this is for you.
Please take my word for it, it is not worth it. Your body is a vessel that was made to protect you, and every single part of it has its functions, yes, even the lumpy bumpy bits that you don't like. Your organs have to go somewhere and darling, they need protecting. Your mother spent 9 months of her life, thats like giving up a whole year, to make that body. Someone invested that much time to make it what it is, you owe it to your mother to take the best possible care of yourself.
You should never feel like you have to lose weight (unless you are severely obese and it poses a risk on your life or something along that tangent). Do not let anyone, even yourself, feel like you need to be smaller than you already are or that you have to change your body. If anything, body types are all a hype anyway. One moment Kate Moss's stick thin body frame is in style, and the next, everyone wants Kim K's booty. Don't worry too much, your body wasn't made to be a hype. Your body was meant to take care of you, and be taken care of. Cherish it, respect it for what it truly is. Plus, who wants to be a trend anyway, you are the only person who can be you. Isn't that cool? So embrace whatever you are, no matter what shape or size you happen to be, literally none can work your body the way you do.
And even if you want to lose weight or tone up, there are healthy ways to do that. You can exercise and eat better. It'll make you feel great too (not that I know la I'm a lazy bum). So please please opt for these methods. It is not fun nor necessary for you to have to put your body through so much pain to look a certain way.
And if you are already in that vicious cycle, reach out to people who genuinely love you. Stay away from people who are insensitive and think its funny to use your insecurities as jokes. These people are toxic, and disrespectful. Instead, surround yourself with people who make you feel like the more weight you gain only means that they have more and more of you to love. Go see a therapist, it helps a ton. Spend one day eating somewhere with light but delicious portions and fall in love with eating again, its not easy but you can get there, trick is to not go head first and down a steak. Fall in love with salads and soups and light meals. If you know anyone who is struggling with things like these, be there for them and surround them with love and positivity. Remind them about qualities that you like, and try not to focus so much on their bodies. Be the person to take them out for a light, nice and delicious meal!
Eating disorders are something almost everyone doesn't understand. While its a fragile, heavy topic, it is one that must be addressed and will truly only get worse if left to be. I hope that with sharing this, its shed some light to the actual gravity the issue. While it is a problem, its ultimately one that is entirely possible to overcome.
At all times, remember you are not your body. You are a soul, you have a body. If you are to worry about anything, it should probably be how beautiful you are on the inside.
Love,
Mirr
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